Paper Roses
by Jellicos
Summary: CS femslash. Short ficlet about love and loss.


_Short angsty all-nonsense ficlet.  
See, this is what I do early in the morning when I can't sleep at night;)  
Just take it for what it is.  
And yes, it's femslash._

Love,  
Jellicos

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**Paper Roses**

There is this thing I do when I see you.

Just after I get thrown by how gorgeous you are, how my thoughts never do your beauty justice.

It's when I regain my focus after that first initial blow, that's when I do it.

Looking at you from the corner of my eye I picture you grabbing my heart from my chest and ripping it into tiny shreds of paper in front of me. Because when I think this, my heart is made out of paper. Fragile, thin, destructible paper.

When I picture you, you're laughing at me.

Somehow it makes it easier to go about my daily life when I think of you this way. It makes it easier when I see that bright smile of yours as you notice the flowers on your desk.

I picture you stomping on the puppy I had when I was nine when you lean down and smell the dark red roses, holding your hair with your hands so it won't fall in your face.

It's easier to be angry than to be hurting.

But I turn and walk out when you read the note he left along with the flowers.

My imagination may be powerful, but nothing can keep my heart from crying in agony as I see your eyes twinkle at the words of love he's written for you.

I do my job with precision and emotionless dedication. I smile joylessly as some faceless guy compliments my work.

Every now and then I see the flicker of your hair as you turn the corner or the sound of your voice as you talk to someone. But half of the time you're not even there. My mind is playing tricks on me.

There is a constant dull ache in my heart, but it sears with bright blue pain every time I see you. Yet I find myself looking for excuses to be near you.

I know I shouldn't. I know it's useless and it will only serve to hurt me that much worse.

And when you're standing in front of me I'm at a loss for what to say or do.

As you look up and our eyes meet, I change my mind.

I can't do this again.

So I turn. Without uttering a word, I turn and walk out the door, out of your office.

I can hear you call my name. It cuts through me like a slow blade.

Damn you.

Against my minds screaming protests, against my better knowledge, my body turns.

You rushed out the door, your hair flying as your heels make clicking sounds against the cold, hard floor.

"Sara, please…" Your hand reaches for my arm, but that's where I draw the line. Right now your touch isn't warm and tingly, it's hot and burning. It leaves marks.

"Please what?" My voice is harsh; I want to hurt you so badly. Want you to hurt just as much as I am, and I want it to be my doing.

"Can we just… talk?" You sound so sorry, so sincerely sorry. It's like you cared about me or something. But I'm not letting your voice fool me again.

My gaze drifts towards the window to your office, to the vase with the red roses he sent you.

I know you see me watching, I feel your gaze following mine.

"I can throw them out if you want." You offer and I have to scoff. If I want you'll throw them out? If I want. If you cared what I wanted we wouldn't be here. If you actually wanted to throw them out you wouldn't ask. If you cared how I felt you wouldn't still have them there.

This is what I think. What I reply is completely different.

"Since when do I care what your boyfriends send you?" Contrary to all my emotions, my voice is calm. Cold even.

"He's not-" You start but I'm not going to listen to that speech again.

"I told you, I don't care." I want to glare at you, but that would mean I'd have to look at you and I'm petrified to do so. Instead I do what I have been doing this entire conversation; I look anywhere else but at you. To you sides, at the floor. Anywhere but at the sun.

"I miss you." The softest whisper threatens to undo me. God, I can't do this!

"It's over Catherine." My voice falters slightly and I decide I need to leave. Turning on my heels, I try to make a quick escape.

This time I ignore you calling me. It takes every ounce of strength in my body to hold back the tears and keep walking. Not to throw myself around your neck.

More than anything I want to hold you, kiss you, fall asleep listening to the sound of you breathing.

But I know it can never be.

You made your choice and that's all there is to it.

No matter how many times you say he means nothing, it all evaporates into thin air the second I see you smell those roses instead of throwing them out.

The hard part is to know I can crawl into your arms at any time, yet know that would be it. I could hold you; kiss you, maybe even keep loving you. But I could never trust you, never be with you.

I could never open my heart to you again. There is no way I'd ever let you that close, let alone let you in.

My heart is made of paper and you have the scissors ready.

Smell the damn roses!

I love you.

Goodbye.

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_Thank you for reading:)_


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